Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The post about more therapy,warmer weather and new friends

What I wore the last two days. Warmer weather means no big coats!
And everything is from Value Village with the exception of the jeans!

  • It's getting warmer in Southern Ontario. The warmer weather has been brightening my mood for sure. I am still fairly anxious. That has not really changed, but my mood has changed. The warmer weather and sunshine has me feeling much more positive. I have been sleeping a little better at night. But I'm still awake super early. It's dark at 5am, and stays that way until about 6:30ish. So morning runs are still cold and lonely. 
  • Something that has been bothering me over the past couple of weeks is a comment I made in my post on March 29th about having to take an Adivan after having an anxiety attack while with a client. I said I felt weak. I shouldn't have said that. I am not weak for having needed something to help me through a rough time. I am my worst critic for sure, but needing medication for mental illness is not a weakness. And I would never think someone else who needs medication is weak.
  • Yesterday was my first Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction therapy session. I was completely underwhelmed. I met with a male therapist. This didn't bother me. What did bother me is that I know too much information about him. He talked about himself a lot. And he kept talking about the Ojibwa First Nation and considers himself an honorary band member because he studied so much about colonization in university. WTF? And he kept responding (after I had elaborated on his questions), with "why"? Why do I struggle with my self-esteem? Why do I view myself so negatively? Why do I see myself as overweight when I am not? Why, why, why? Wasn't sure how to expand anymore than I already did. And if I knew the answers to those questions, I wouldn't have been there. Oh and he referred to my former self as "fat". Strike 4!!!! I refer to myself as being formerly obese. There's a lot of shame that goes along with being labeled fat, and I don't like to use that word to describe anyone. This just looks like regular therapy to me. I'm already doing that. He needs to teach me the MBSR therapy or I'm outta there!

Top left: The sun roof was open today!
Bottom left: Beautiful flowers from a beautiful friend
Right: My new rear-view mirror ornament:)

  • Thanks for all your feedback in regards to my last post about struggling with thoughts of binging and wanting bread. Let me elaborate a bit. When I was morbidly obese and a HUGE binge eater, I mostly binged on things like pasta, chips, crackers, bready types of foods. Although I'd also eat a batch of cookies if given the opportunity, processed carbs and grains were my nemesis. It's the desire to have the texture of those kinds of carbs in my mouth again. I'm not sure if you can understand this, but it's the fullness after a carb binge that I struggle with. I want the fullness and feeling of eating a bag of Lays chips again. No, not really, but the thought crosses my mind. I won't do it. I can't do it. I'll lose control. I know myself well enough to know that that is my reality. I also know I can't have Paleo versions of my former binge foods in my house. If I make Paleo loaf (banana, pumpkin etc), I will eat the entire bread in one sitting. I know that for a fact. That is why I have strict eating rules I have to follow. Life is just easier for me that way. This may not work for everyone, but it works for me.
  • This afternoon I got to meet a new friend. I met someone for coffee after work and we discussed the struggles and loneliness of weigh-loss. Loneliness I say? Yep, loneliness. We talked about how alone it feels to be on such a journey by yourself. Although my husband was supportive of my weight-loss efforts, I was on my own when it came to meals when I was in weight-loss mode. We ate completely differently. And he didn't understand, and still doesn't understand my struggles with binging, or my self esteem issues. This is not his fault. He's just never been morbidly obese or had body issues. And he's never been a binger. I was lucky because he always supported me. I know that not everyone has that in their life. But even though he supported me (as did everyone else in my life), it was lonely if I needed to discuss my feelings with someone. Because only someone who was going through or had gone through what I was/am experiencing understands. It was a real pleasure meeting you today  Enza. And thank you for the gorgeous flowers:)
  • I leave you with a fun video I did with Julien. The YMCA take 2. It's getting easier for me to watch myself on video because I'm just having fun with my son. Everyday things get a bit easier, and everyday Julien and I laugh. Although therapy and medication is important for my healing, so is my son. Although I sing badly, it was fun and this kid is such a ham:) He makes my heart happier than anything else in my life.


  1. thank you for being a friend

  2. Leigh you truly are a wonderful and strong person ... dare I say friend :) You have so much courage to tell your story "warts" and all. Most people think that when you have lost or are losing the weight all is well and good and you should just "be happy" but it truly is lonely and exhausting at times even with support. Thank you !

  3. Oh how I understand your craving for carbs that is why I commented yesterday on your incredible ability to never indulge or binge on them. Personally I've made a deal with myself where during the week I'm primal (I also eat dairy) but allow myself one day of two big cheat meals.

    My workouts are really hard and intense with aerobics and weight lifting involved. I find that the cheat day helps me to sleep better, makes my exercising way easier, improves my mood and is tasty and enjoyable as hell.

    HOWEVER, having said that I have to be very, very careful with getting back on track the next day and strictly so as, like you, I'm a carb addict. I can very easily fall into binge mode for several days afterwards where I have to claw my way out of a binge bender as my eating disorder kicks in big time, I feel sick and undo all the healthy eating and exercising from the week...and the scary thing is not caring overweighs the guilt.

    I know I will never be completely "normal" in regard to sugar and carbs but I find creating this balance is helping me to be a little bit more normal and not obsess or feel denied. I don't always succeed. It's something that I'm working on.


  4. That 'therapist' sounds like a crappy one, at best. Too bad.

    and Ativan is a MIRACLE drug. I still carry one with me at all times. It's been a nice little security blanket. ;)

  5. I do understand a little of your binge mentality. I can make the odd dessert that is low carb but yes, like you, I'll eat too much. BUT it satisfies a part of me that needs that. I was a huge binge eater of flour/sweet/pastry type foods. For you then yes, if this is the problem you still have, best to keep away from the paleo versions as well!

  6. Ive also had experiences with professionals in the field who also choose the word fat to either describe me or talk about it as the thing Im having the most difficulty with in life. It is very jarring to hear those words come out of a therapists mouth being used to relate to me. Almost cringe worthy. The fact that they find it fitting or ok is problematic to me.

  7. That male therapist seems very disrespectful, on more than one issue. Hope the next session goes better.
    Glad you met a new friend! That's so cool!
    I know my man also has a hard relating to my food-control issues (no bad carbs, sweets allowed in the house.) At least he does try and accepts me no matter what. That's so important.

  8. Glad the warmer weather is slowly arriving for you.....

    Hope your nest session with the therapist goes better....

    Take Care

    All the best Jan

  9. you look so nice in both your snaps and I love the video...your videos always brings a smile to my face..

  10. I never comment but I always read your posts......My heart aches for you when you're hurting, makes me want to reach thru the computer and hug you. I need to tell you something.............You have GREAT worth in the eyes of Jesus! He loves you and is waiting for you. The bible says that "All who call on the name of the Lord will be saved" Call His Name........Jesus help me!!!............. He's waiting for you. He is peace.